Life of Brepanian child
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友達
午前中は学校で2−3クラスの父兄の人に
日本のトイレトレーニング用のパンツを紹介したり
教材作ったり、
やのていこさんというとてもかわいい日本人のお姉さんにインタビューをしてもらったりした。
自分のフランスに来てからとか来るまでの人生経緯を話すというものだったのだけど
良い意味でこの5年間を振り返ることができたような気がする。
そんな機会をくれた彼女に感謝。

今日の午後はモンペリエ日本語補修授業校にのあむを連れて行った。
4月から始まる新年度の幼稚部年少の見学会だったんだけど
のあむは現地に着く直前に昼寝開始。汗
せっかく行ったのに本人は授業の様子がどんな感じなのかとか全然見ずに終わってしまった。
結構モチベーション高かった(「On va aller à l'ecole japonaise?」とか仕切りに聞いていた。)はずなのに
体内時計には勝てなかったのだね。
結構子供たちの声とかうるさかったのに無問題で爆睡。ええ子や。
 
それにしてもモンペリエに来て初めてこんなに沢山の日本人を一度に見た。
結構いっぱいいるのね日本人ママン。さてお友達できるかしらん、、、。
と、息子より自分のほうが入園準備してるみたいだった。
考えてみればモンペリエに来てから日本人の(ママ)友は作ってる余裕もないほどいそがしかったのね、と気づいた。
これからの進展に期待。って他人事のようだ。



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Need to be in love



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幸雲(Cloud & Happiness)
Happiness is a bit like a cloud.
Everybody knows the word "happiness" exists and everybody thinks it's easy to see.
But when it comes to grasping it, nobody knows how to do...





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ありがとう。 (Thank you.)
For the moment, my life is filled with full of surprises, excitements as well as happiness and sadness.

I have started working with children who are and have been speaking in French for most of their lives.
And here I am trying to speak to them in an alien language such as English all of a sudden.
On the first day, literally every single one of them gave me a funny look when I started talking to them in English.
But very quickly they approved of me, especially soon after they discovered that this weird person who doesn't even speak the normal language properly is actually someone who let them do many interesting activities.

It is always such a joy to see children working on activities you prepared with so much effort.
And makes me even happier when they are completely absorbed, engrossed into the work, eventually concentrated so deeply and then, after the work looking somehow satisfied and content.

Although I can't use the same language as the language the children use, I can still communicate with them without much of a problem when I am presenting something I am very familiar with. The children are also very bright and very quick to understand what I am trying to say, especially in practical life lesson, the important thing is to show things right in a very neat slow motion way. There is not much language involved.

Thus said, it is often an agony for me not to be able to discipline the children properly since they don't understand even simplest words like "walk" or "gently". When I tell them to walk in a classroom they just look at me, smiling and continue running in the classroom.  But I believe my role here is to expose them to another language and therefore shouldn't give up on continuing to talk to them in English... Maybe I might have to talk to my colleague to have a small session of grace and courtesy lesson in both French and English at some point so that the children at least know the basic discipline words before I start develop cancer in my stomach because of this frustration of not being able to discipline them.

All of the children are different but all of them are good and we as adults just have to find out how to help them to be good and happy. Being able to figure out what makes each individual child happily working brings me probably the same kind of excitement and satisfaction of those scientists who are discovering all sorts of new phenomena in nature or new findings of not well-known creatures and their behaviour. After all there are yet so many and so much to discover in ourselves as human and even more in our childhood.

What Dr. Montessori discovered in childhood was really the beginning of this work of understanding more about child and human beings and what we (as Montessorian) believe is that educating children in such a way brings the peaceful and harmonious world. I have to say I thought I did believe in this but now, after started working with the children again I believe it even stronger and am just so grateful that this opportunity was given to me. So thankful to France who has chosen me as a member of her team in the school and so happy to be able to work with Marine who is so generous with my poor understanding/speaking of French.

I am feeling so much gratitude towards almost everything these days that it might just sound so silly and unreal to someone who just happened to read this article without knowing me much. But I was a very ungrateful person earlier and I never felt so grateful to many things until quite recent.
I was often told that I was taking things for granted and seeing only bad aspects of things and not notice of good ones.

I don't know who to thank and how to thank for the changes in my attitude.
So I will just start from someone who is physically close to me and see what happens.



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Transvestites also cry.
ロンドンで見た映画
Transvestites also cry.

このドキュメンタリー映画、
ドキュメンタリーに興味がなくても
映画に興味が無くても
トランスベスタイトに興味が無くても
見てほしいです。

この映画に出てくるムヘロンという人の
「勝つだけが人生じゃないわ、
うまく負ける人間がいなくちゃいけない。」
っていうのが泣けます。
って、すっごいネタばれ。





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Dark Ocean (深海)
From time to time, all my senses go numb.
It feels like I don't have any control over my life and future...

It was my choice, it was me who decided whatever is happening right now.
It has always been me, and it will always be, who decides what is going to happen to me.
But then, at the same time, it is not me and actually nobody who is leading what is happening right now.

Feels like I am so useless and hopeless in whatever I do.
Nothing works according to plan, so lonely, miserable and desparate.
Struggling to find which way is up in the dark deep ocean.


Am I going to be reborn...?
Or am I going to go somewhere beyond my imagination?

I just realized that I am not very good at being alone.


時々ぼんやりしてしまう。
未来や人生のことを考えて
自分てなんて無力でちっぽけなんだろうと感じて。

今私に起こっていることはすべて私の決断の結果として現れていることにすぎない。
これまでもずっとそうだったし、これからもずっとそうだろう。
だけど、それと同時に実は今起こっていることの何一つとして
自分が制御力をもっているものがない。
どんなに用意周到に色々と準備をしても
全くの無駄になることが多々ある。


もう結構いい年になるって言うのに、まだこんなダメ人間で社会で使い物にならない。
何一つとして計画どおりに行かない、
一人ぼっちで、みじめで、切羽詰っている。

それはまるでどちらが上なのかもわからないくらい。
真っ暗な深い海の底で
どちらに進めば良いのか滅茶苦茶にもがいているような感覚。


私はこのままもう一度生まれ変わるんだろうか。
それとも私の想像の域を超えるような、まったく別の世界にいくことになるんだろうか。

1人で生きていくのが昔より
勇気がいるようになったんだなってことに気がついた。
そしてまた同時に、自分は1人でいることが
実はそんなに得意じゃなかったんだということにも気がついた。



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他の誰でもない、君。(Nobody else, but you.)
久々にケンブリッジに行こうとしたら
ケンブリッジ・キングスクロス間で工事があって
キングスクロスからの電車が動いていなかった。
ということを、キングスクロスに着いてから知り
イギリスのこういうところってやっぱりすごく嫌だなぁ。
なんでちゃんとチェックしておかなかったんだろう自分。
日本だったら夜にやるようなことだろ、これって。
などと、イライラしながら
しょうがない、リバプールストリート経由で行くか…
と、プランBとやらがすぐに思いついてしまう辺り
イギリスに(というかヨーロッパに)長く住みすぎたんじゃないのかしら自分
とちょっと心配になる。

日本では考えられないけど
ヨーロッパでは結構あり得る公共交通機関のびっくりな行いとして
●週末に当たり前のようにある電車や地下鉄の工事
●行き先(目的地)が、乗り物に乗ってからいきなり変更になる
●遅延が結構当たり前、それに対して特に大した謝罪もない。

おおらかと言えばおおらか
適当といえば適当(過ぎるだろ!!)

で、リバプールストリート駅に着いて
ケンブリッジ行きの電車が来るまでしばらく時間があったが
まだプラットホームへ出るための改札が空いていなかった
そして見えるところにあるベンチみたいなのはみんな使われている。
そのため、リバプールストリート駅の電光掲示板の見えるだだっ広い場所に
ただ何となく立ち尽くさなければいけなくなってしまった。

いろんな国のいろんな人が色んな言語を話しながら行き交い
私の目の前、真横、後ろを縦横無尽に通り過ぎていく。
久々に出会う恋人達、孫と娘夫婦を見送りに来た老夫婦、
長いこと会うことがないであろう友人との別れ、古い友人達との再会。
色んな人のいろんな人生の色んなワンシーンを垣間見る。
映画のワンシーンではなくて本当の物語の現在進行形の一瞬。

気付かないうちに開発していたこういう場所でのゲームとして
自分が男だったらどんな子に声を掛けるかな〜
というやつをやっていたのだけど。

顔は可愛いくてスタイルは良いけど、
通り過ぎていく時にしゃべっていたしゃべり方がダメ。
とか
特に何が良いっていうわけじゃないんだけど、
何だかその子の周りに漂っている雰囲気がすごくいいな〜
とか
うわ、君、太りすぎだろ!!どうしてそんなになるまで放っておいちゃったの?
とか
痩せてるのに結構肩の筋肉とかすごく綺麗についてて惚れ惚れしちゃうね。
とか
偉そうに上から目線で評価しながら
本当に、本当に色んな子がいるな〜と
つくづく感心していた。

そして、ふと気付いた。
こんなにいろんな人がいるなかで、
世の中には沢山、綺麗だったり、可愛かったり、頭が良かったり、スタイルがよかったり、性格がよかったり、
稼ぎがよかったり
これらぜーんぶを持ち合わせていたりする人がいるなかで
どうして、どうして、私なんかを選ぶ人がいるんだろう…
ということだった。

自分が選ぶ立場だったら絶対選ばない自分を選んだ人の
その行為が不思議でたまらなかったから
「他の誰でもなく、何故自分なの?」
と、聞いてみたことがあった。

ある人は
「だって、君は○○だし、○○だし、○○だし、○○だし、
要するにこういう僕が必要とするものを
持ち合わせているコンビネーションが丁度よかったんだよ。」

「こ、コンビネーション…?」

またある人は
「馬鹿だなー、君だからだよ。
他の誰でもない君は世界に一人だけでしょう。
だからだよ。」

「わたしだから…?」

私にはやっぱりまだわからない。
という顔をしていたら
「じゃあ、君はどうして僕を選んだの?」
と、聞かれた。

それは…。



I decided to go to Cambridge today.
When I arrived at the King's Cross station,
I found out that there was an engineering work somewhere near Stevenege during the weekend.
Therefore, there was no train from King's Cross to Cambridge.
As I was looking at the notice of the engineering work, I was thinking, "I hate this. This is so British...
And why the hell didn't I check the scheduled engineering work in advance which I usually do?"
If it was in Japan, any kind of engineering work would take place during the night when no train would be operating so that it wouldn't have any effect on the customers!!
As you know, in Japan, customers are the gods/goddesses.
Under no circumstance, you shall effect their convenience of transport...
Anyway, after a few minutes I realized I should stop being annoyed about this Britishness and just go to the Liverpool Street station.

For those who don't know the fact that the duration of my annoyance on this kind of matter really shortened since I came to England, believe me, it has!! And it sometimes worries me a lot.
It makes me think maybe I lived in England (or in Europe) too long...
I could never tolerate this kind of happening in Japan, definitely not in Tokyo.
Unless there was an earthquake or someone committing suicide (which is sadly quite common...) or something.

The things that you wouldn't normally expect in Japan but are actually fairly common in England/Europe(probably except for Germany) are...
●The engineering work that would stop some trains/underground railway services.
●Changes of destination or route to the destination without any/much notice.
●Delay, without much of a sincere apology.

Yes, you could say they have very relaxed attitude,
probably they don't have much pressure over their responsibilities,
so it must be such stress-free working environment compare to that of Japanese one.
Many of the employees of Japanese railway/subway companies will be so jealous of this situation of British railway/underground attitude.
But isn't it too fuzzy and too irresponsible for the customers who are paying good money for the service...?

When I arrived at the Liverpool Street station,
there was a bit of time before the train to Cambridge came.
The platform was still not open, so I had to just stand in the middle of no where in the station
looking at the timetables of the train arrivals.
All the benches or something that look like benches were all taken.

As I stood there, I was watching people around me.
The people from different countries, with different languages, different looks, definitely all strangers to me.
There are so many faces.
So many lives, so many stories of meeting, seeing off, farewell for good, reunion happening just
infront of me.
I could only imagine, and I could only guess.

I can't remember exactly when but I sort of made up a of game when I am in this kind of place to kill my time, which is to see what kind of girl I would go and ask for a date if I were a male.
Yes, very silly game.

So I was playing this game as I was waiting for the train.
This one... hmmm, she is very pretty and has a very attractive body, but the way she speak does not sound very intelligent. What a pity.
Another one... well, she doesn't have anything particular from what I can see but I just like her atomosphere.
Next... Oh my, how could you have gained so much wait? What have you been eating all these years...? It's such a waste. You could be much more attractive than the way you are now...
Another one, you are quite skinny but I really like the line of your mustle on your back and shoulder. That is something... etc...

It is so arrogant of me to judge or rank people just by their appearance and as I play this game it sort of make ashamed of myself but I still like playing it for some reason.
It really opens my eyes that there are so many people and none of them are same.
There are sometimes people who look so similar but still they are never the same.

Some are beautiful, some are cute, some intelligent, have nice appearance, have nice personality(/ies), have good earnings...etc...
And it makes me think that among all of these different people, girls in this case, why is there a person that chooses me?

Because if I were in the position to choose, I wouldn't choose myself simply because I am not my type! I can't help it.
So I was so curious about the decision of people who chose me as their partner and asked the question.
"Why did you choose me, not anybody else but why me?"

One told me, "It's because you are ****, ****, ****, ****, and in short it's because of the combination of things that I like my partnar to have. And you have many of those qualities I like."
Me, "Combination of things...?"

One told me, "Silly you. It's just because it is you.
There is only one you. That's why."

"It's because it's me...?"

When I was probably making the face of "But I still don't understand...",
one asked me "Then why did you choose me out of many other people?"

It is because...



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おわりとはじまり (The end and the beginning)
去年の初夏から始まっていた個人的な揉め事は
先日、3月9日にケンブリッジのカウンティコートで裁判が行われ
何も異議申し立てなく3月9日から6週間経ったら確定的なものになると
カウンティコートからの書類が届いた。

まだ色んな思いが交錯している。
それは多分、私がまだ前の人と連絡を取り合っていて
彼からのメールを見るたびに罪悪感や自分のした/していることに対しての疑念をかんじてしまうからだろう。
かつて大事に思っていた人に辛い思いをさせているというのは
やっぱり中々慣れられるものではない。
彼が今でも私に戻ってきてほしいと思ってくれているのがわかっているから
尚のことかもしれない。

色んな思いが交錯しているもう一つの理由は、きっと
新しい生活が、まだ始まったかも分からないうちに
イギリスに戻ってきてしまったというのもあるのだと思う。
アビニョンでの生活はたったの3週間だけだった。
新しい場所で新しい人に出会い、新しい職場を探し、新しい友達、
そして前から知っていたとはいえ、やっぱり新しい人との生活は
未だに私を動揺させている。
これからどうなるのか、全然見通しがつかない。
一生懸命計画を立てても新しいことが次々に起こって
いつも模索している状態。
いつになったら心から安心できるんだろう。

The thing that happened/started last early summer is finally coming to an end.
I have received a letter from the Cambridge county court which says they had the divorce settlement court on 9th March and had agreed to give us 6 weeks from that date.
If there's no claim on our case during this 6 weeks, it will be finished and filed as one of many divorce settlement cases.

I am relieved in a way but there are stil many mixed feelings and thoughts in my mind. It is probably because I am still receiving mails from him and what he says in them still shakes me quite a bit. The fact that I am making someone who I used to love suffer and be in pain is difficult and not something I can easily get used to.
And I am still a bit shaky probably because there are so many things to find out about my new life, new people, new place and especially my new partner.
When I see him and try to understand him better, it's a bit like trying to look inside of an old well from the brim of it.
What I can see is a dark deep hollow that makes me curious for some reason and imagine many things about the part where I cannot see. For examples, secret passages from the side of its wall that might be connected to an old castle or even, somewhere you are not supposed to go, or water in the well has somekind of mystical power if you have a sip of it.
Or it maybe just an ordinary well that has provided water source to thousands of people for many generations, and it is probably simply trying to do its job to moisten my thirst when I am looking into it.

I never know when I will know what I want to know.
I just wonder when I will have my peace of mind again.



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